


What The... Who the Hell is That?

by Impala67Jaime (JaimeImpala), JaimeImpala



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, Everyones awesome, F/F, F/M, Gollum is the Hulk, KISS(Keep It Simple Stupid), Kili has hidden talents, M/M, Multi, Sex, Slow Burn, Spanking, Tauriel is Natasha Romanov, Thorin is Tony Stark, marvel AU, superhero au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-01-08 05:30:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21230591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaimeImpala/pseuds/Impala67Jaime, https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaimeImpala/pseuds/JaimeImpala
Summary: I basically reimagined characters to be superheroes. So they all have cool superpowers but they all kind of have a twist like Bilbo's is that he can turn invisible (yes, he is the invisible man) but he can't always control it. Legolas' is that his hair is magic but, downside, it has a mind of its own. Bombur is 'Duh Bomb' I'll let you figure out his power... And Kili doesn't appear to have any powers... Or does he?There are more but those are a few of them. Please read! I don't know if I want to continue this so please give me some feedback!





	1. Superheroes

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

There are heroes and there are villains. There's a bunch of ordinary people in between but there are two kinds of powerful people who dominate the world. Heroes and villains. Heroes defended and protected the people, villains used their powers for their own personal gain. Villains had a bad habit of trying to trying to nuke the world which usually landed them in high-security prisons, or dead, but it was hard to kill a_ gifted_ so they usually went to jail. The gifted were measured like twisters, F1, F2, F3's, and so on. There was only one recorded F6 but he had died back in the 1960s, of the flue of all things, like really? He was a freakin' F6! And he died of the flue... it just goes to show that even the_ gifted_ were mortal. But in a world full of power and contrast, it was hard to live a normal life. For heroes, they had to constantly save crap they usually didn't even care about (e.g. the Whitehouse, random newswomen, the moon). And for Villains, it was tough too, they never got what they wanted. And for everyone else, well, there's only so much running, screaming '_I'm going to die!'_, constantly raising rates on property insurance, and thinking you're going to die because some evil villain's pointing a giant lazer at your house before they just went numb to it all. 

* * *

_October 5th, 2056, Kildare Durin sentenced to 35 years in a maximum-security prison with no chance of parole. _

_Villain class; F1_

_Age; 17_

Kili had spent two years in prison before he broke out. He was done being pushed against the wall, bullied, and having to fight off unwanted advances. He'd had to kill nearly four people in two years, most of whom were trying to force their way into his pants. Prison, honestly, just wasn't his gig. So he broke free. He blasted through four feet of Uranium and Titanium ( the kryptonite of the gifted), swam through acid, climbedan electric fence, dropped down on the other side and ran for freedom. 

Freedom tasted like dry blood and ocean air, and he loved it. As the sirens went off behind him, he took a running leap off of the cliff. The air sang in his ears as he fell through the air, his clothes making him feel like he was flying like a bird as the loose uniform spread out like wings around him. Hitting the water was like hitting cement, he could feel his body breaking at the impact, his bones making thousands of small fragments in his bloodstream. But just as he floated onto his back, watching helicopters make their way across the night sky, he felt them reform like legos being stuck together. The pain was excruciating, but he couldn't care less.

* * *

Legolas frowned at the broken wall of the prison with shock tearing up his insides but not making an appearance on his face. 

''Well?'' The superintendent growled impatiently.

''This is bad,'' Legolas said, walking out of the remains of the cell and pulling out his communicator. 

''What the hell is that supposed to mean?'' the superintendent called after him, but Legolas ignored him. 

'_'What is it_?'' Tauriel asked on the other line.

''This is worse than we thought,'' Legolas looked back at the cell, ''whoever escaped went through the wall, blasted right through it.''

_''What?'' _Thorin joined the conversation and Legolas could hear the sound of his workshop behind him. 

''Yeah, it should be impossible, I know,'' Legolas continued, ''but whoever did it used concentrated ice-fire, which, in and of itself, is beyond an F4.''

_ ''Who the hell can have that kind of power? Valar tested those safety measures on himself before his death and he was an F6!''_Thorin seemed both interested and infuriated by the thought. 

''I know,'' Looking at the code on the cell door, Legolas traced it with his communicator till he found the files attached to it. ''Apparently, the person who broke out was an F1.''

_ ''Seriously?'_' Tauriel sounded slightly out of breath and he wondered what she was doing. 

''I'm going to call Goldie about it, he should be able to track him.''

With that, Legolas hung up. Turning back to the crime scene. 

* * *

Kildare was free. The first thing he did, after finding clean, dry clothes, was to steal 20 bucks and go to McDonald's. He had missed McDonald's, the Big Mac was probably his spirit animal. As he sat outside of the fast-food place, grease on his hands and cheeseburger in his stomach, he couldn't help but appreciate the beauty of an inter-city neighborhood with a McDonalds and a Walmart. Everything around him was beautiful, the angry kid chasing down another kid while riding his bicycle, the homeless man at the corner, the old woman crossing the street... 

He was cut short in his musings as someone tossed small change at him. Ow. Like, really, why? 

Well, he was sitting on a curb in a crumpled t-shirt and worn out too-big jeans. Now it made more sense. Picking up the change, Kili quickly counted it. 38 cents. Three pennies, a dime, and a quarter. Not a bad amount, he could get a stick of gum. Or a peanut. 

Standing up, he brushed off his jeans and threw away his bag. Yup, he thought, pocketing his 38 cents, today would be a good day. That was until a dude in Spandex dropped from the sky right in front of him. Cold blue eyes assessed him and Kildare rose an eyebrow at him. 

''Villain,'' the dude said, way too loudly, attracting the attention of several bystanders, ''submit to me now and I won't harm you!''

''Someone's kinky,'' Kili enjoyed the narrowed eyes and obvious frown of the hero, ''But, unfortunately for you, I'm not into BDSM.''

He made to walk away, knowing the hero wouldn't be that easy but knowing it would tick him off, so totally worth it. 

''Stop!'' A large hand gripped his shoulder and Kili brushed it off easily, to the surprise of Mr-Spandex-Butt. Seriously, you could see every part of the dudes anatomy, the spandex really outlined_ everything. _

''Dude,'' Kili began, dodging a grapple, ''you need to rethink your costume choice, you look like a male hooker. Maybe you should try hunting a villain who's actually doing something bad? Like trying to dominate the world or something.''

''You broke out of high-security prison,'' the hero stated and Kili paused his maneuvering in surprise. He'd thought he'd have another week at least.

The dude took advantage of his brief stupor and threw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes before blasting off into the heavens. The hero's arm locked Kili's thighs to his chest and Kili sighed, exasperated. Did this dude really think a kid who broke out of high-security prison was going to be held by a simple arm? He decided to give the guy a moment's satisfaction before giving him the slip. It was cool looking down and seeing the city getting smaller and smaller... Okay, he'd given the guy enough unresisting kidnapping points to feed his ego, so Kili decided to break free-

Yeah, that really didn't work out. For either of them. Kildare, in his attempt to escape, bucked backward and would have gone flying if the dude had let go when he felt himself tip forward. But he didn't, he held on and now they were both free-falling through the air.

Kili struggled, not of any necessity but just because he could. He wouldn't die when they landed, hero dude might, but he wouldn't. He would just reform as if nothing happened.

''Let go freak!'' He shouted. And the hero, amidst his newly freed golden locks, glared at him while trying to get his suit back in flying form with only one hand. 

''No,'' he shouted back and Kili really didn't want to have to do this but-

Before he could pulverize hero dude into jello cubes something snatched him out of his arms. He looked down in surprise, not expecting to see _hair_ wrapped around his waist. 

''What the-''

''Your evil doing days are done, Villain!'' the face of an angel appeared out of the hair and Kili couldn't help but smirk, cause, yeah, not to be vain, but he was cuter. It was his power to be cuter. ''You will be locked away in a prison where you can never terrorize society again-''

''Did you see me terrorizing anybody? I just got a burger, geez,'' Kili tried pulling the hair off but the stuff was like glue.

The hero was at a loss for words for a second before he just continued talking as if Kili hadn't said anything. 

''You will be tried and found guilty by-''

''Are you just monologuing?'' Kildare interupted again, looking down at the ground bellow him and following the trail of a bird soaring near by. It must be cool to soar. They defintely weren't soaring as much as hovering at this point.

''Stop interupting me, Villain!'' the hero snapped and Kili rolled his eyes.

''Really, dude, are you labelling me? Do you know how hard it is to break free of racist stereotypes? It's hard, and you aren't making it any easier,'' Kildare struggled against the hair before deciding he was just going to have to melt it.

''You're white,'' the hero said, blankly.

''I'm one eighth native American,'' he replied just as the first hero showed up.

''You got him, Legolas?'' He asked, glaring at Kili. He had a leaf stuck in his hair and Kili realized he must have either crashed or landed on the ground. 

''Yes, he isn't going any where,'' Legolas was about to say something else when his own scream cut off his own words. Kildare had melted his hair, leaving a steaming drop of blonde goo dripping like giant tear drop to the earth, then fell to freedom. 

''You monster!'' Legolas shouted after him and Kili couldn't help the comeback that lept off of his toung.

''Be happy I left some on your head!''

He turned in a circle as he fell, wishing in his heart that he would just disappear on the streets when he landed because he seriuosly couldn't handle anymore hero's without killing them and that would just be bad in general-

Huh, he was on the ground, near a Pizza Hut and he magicly wasn't falling anymore? Why were the buildings so big? He looked down and saw two fluffy black paws, he rose one to peer closer. What the...?

''Ah! Mom a kitty! Can we keep her?''

That made sense, he was techichly disappearing from the hero's view so...

''No, honey, your dads allergic.'' the two humans, who really looked like giants from down on the ground, walked away and Kili turned to the Pizza Hut. At least there was food close by, he thought, ambling over to it. 

* * *

'_'He escaped. Code red, all hero's report.'' _


	2. Villains ''Aaaaaaahhh...!...?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili is free... Or is he? Also, Bilbo and some others show up!?

Kili was happy. Why wouldn't he be? He'd just gotten his first job, not counting villainy, and he was going to work his first shift! He had moved a hundred miles north to avoid the superheroes, yeah, he knew they would show up eventually, but hopefully not before he got his first paycheck! And, even though he had managed to shake off the cat form, he hadn't been able to shake off the pointy teeth. He looked like a vampire. He didn't quite understand how he was even able to turn into a cat, but he did know he didn't want to turn into one again. Being a cat sucked. Too much fuzz, no opposable thumbs, and horrible fish breath. Luckily that had worn off.

''Hello!'' Kildare exclaimed and the customer flinched in surprise, not expecting to get so enthusiastically addressed the second he entered the restaurant. ''How can I help you?"

The small man blinked at Kili, big brown eyes watching as Kili's impossibly wide smile got wider.

''Uhm... Do you have tea?"

''Yes we do! We have African Solstice, Apricot Amaretto, Belgian Mint Tea, Berry Basket, Black Cherry, Black Current Tea, Bleu Blossom, Bleu Mint, Bleu Bush, Bleu Ginger, Bleu Hibiscus, Blood Orange-''

''Okay!'' The small man with a charming accent interrupted. ''I'll have African Solstice.''

''An amazing choice!'' Kili smiled again and went off to make pour boiling liquid in a mug. He returned a second later. ''Would you like any cream, sugar, milk, non-dairy creamer, goat milk, artificial sweetener-''

''Just cream, thank you.''

''Gotcha!'' Kili retrieved the creamer. ''Tell me when!''

The man watched as Kili poured the creamer. ''When.''

Instantly stopping pouring the cream, Kili set the creamer down and turned back to his first-ever customer.

''Would you like anything else? We have Apple-tart's, Bagettes, Bagel's-''

''Just a danish, thank you.''

''Alrighty! We have apple, strawberry, raspberry-''

''Just strawberry, thank you.''

''Okay!''

Kili finished the man's order before hurriedly typing up his receipt. ''Five dollars and forty-five cents, sir!''

The small Brittish man paid before taking his food and parking himself at a small corner table. Kili watched him before starting to clean random objects, already bored out of his mind. But, hey! It beat jail. 

''Damn it!'' The Brittish man cursed and Kili looked up to see that he had spilled tea on the front of his shirt. Prepared to leap over the counter to assist his distressed customer, Kili had to hold himself back as the door opened. Looking toward it, Kili felt the hairs on the back of his neck raise. The man who entered wore a tight, black suit, sunglasses and a tie with smoothed back hair. He looked, well, he looked dangerous! Not that Kili was scared, but he was so done with all the heroes and villains bullshit. 

''What can I get you?" Kili began brightly as the man took off his sunglasses to stare him down.

''I think you know,'' he said, his voice just the right amount of raspy to be cool and not a chain-smoker. 

''No, I don't freakin' 'know'!'' Kili gestured at the menu, ''just pick-''

Before he could finish the man closed the distance between them and leaned into Kili's personal space over the counter. ''I know where you came from.''

Kili blinked at him. ''Arkansas?"

''No,'' he hissed, ''I know where you broke free from.''

''Sorry, but the only thing I've ever broken out of was my mother's womb so if you could just-''

'_CRACK!' _

The villain's hand slammed down on the counter, ''don't play dumb with me-''

Pushing the man off of him, Kili retreated to the expresso machine. ''If you aren't going to order just-''

''_Elrond,'' _The man with the Brittish accent suddenly said, stalking forward toward the villain.

''Aaah, Bilbo. Long time no see.'' The villain's smile was almost unnerving.

''What are you doing outside of your territory?'' The shorter man questioned and Elrond, Lord of the Last House, jerked his head at Kili.

''The same thiEng you are.''

Bilbo's eyes narrowed in confusion. ''Getting a cup of tea?''

Elrond's eyebrows rose in surprise until he mistook Bilbo's confusion for sarcasm. ''Trying to recruit the freak who broke out of max-prison.''

Bilbo's eyes widened, ''Holy shit-'' he turned toward where Kili had been, but he was no longer there.

Elrond turned to and cursed when he saw that the young man had escaped.

Kili was running down the street, chucking his apron and hat off as he did so. He had to get out of this town. He was nearly back to the abandoned building he had been staying at when the hero and villain suddenly appeared in front of him. Bilbo looked sweaty, with his hair clinging to his forehead and tea still staining his shirt. Elrond, on the other hand, looked like he had just stepped out of _Vogue. _

''Resist is-'' Bilbo began before suddenly disappearing. ''_Damn it! No!''_

Elrond drew out his crystal sword (from where!?!? Maybe it had been invisible) and it glowed a bright blue. ''Please, let's not make this any harder than it has to be.''

"Sorry, but I prefer to it to be hard, it's hard to ride soft--" A blast from Elrond sent Kili through the brick wall of the building behind him. 

"I don't want to you to utter another smart ass--" Elrond stopped, looking at the rubble. 

Kili lay, on his side, groaning in pain. Blood splattered his face and hands as he gripped his stomach.

"Oh no!" Bilbo's voice shouted and rubble began to get thrown away from the injured youth. 

"What the hell was that?" Kili hissed, spitting out blood. He could feel his body healing but kept his outward appearance the same so as to not expose the fact.

Elrond, for his part, looked pleased, "Time to--"

There was a sudden hush as Bilbo thrummed his energy, which was like a sand hole, sucking away at the matter around it and effectively muting everything around him. Elrond mouth moved while utter silence pulsed through the air, Bilbo drew power from him and Kili felt a tug on his own power. Hero and villain faced each other as both began to prepare to attack each other; their combined energy suffocating but a welcome distraction. 

_Superheroes and villains were so... dramatic. And annoying. They just lost him his first job, HIS FIRST JOB! His new start, his new opportunity. Yup, they ruined it. Oh, well. Time to leave. _

By the time Elrond and Bilbo noticed that their prey had disappeared, he was long gone. 

* * *

Kili was tired of running. Why couldn't everyone just leave him alone? What had he done to warrant such avid attention? Other than escape from a high-security prison (the only reason he was in there in the first place was he had _maybe _robbed a bank), but how was he supposed to live his life if they never stopped chasing him? It's not like he could disguise himself all of the time... wait. What was stopping him from changing his skin, so to speak? He could change into literally anything! There were so many possibilities. 

* * *

An adorable black puppy, fluffy with a cute little button nose, walked along the sidewalk, happily trotting toward the park. Why did Kili choose a pup? He didn't actually know. He'd tried a cat and found the experience interesting; curiosity had compelled him to test the opposite end of the spectrum. And, it was honestly awesome. He was adorable, fluffy, and no-one paid him any mind. 

"Hey, little fella!" Large hands picked him up out of nowhere and Kili yelped as he found himself facing a bald tattooed giant. "You don't look like you have a home, puppers. Want to go home with me?"

Kili stared at the smiling biker-gang-looking muscle pig with a tilt of his head. Who was this guy? Did he just pick up puppies who wanted to go look for marijuana in the local park? He knew there had to be a plant somewhere in there and he _really _needed an upper. 

"Poor baby," the man tucked Kili into his jacket with an indignant squeal. "I'm Dwalin and I'm going to take care of you. You look like you need fattening up." 

Kili, despite his pride, allowed himself to be carried to a small, quaint cottage. There was a perfect garden, a nice white fence, and a collection of gnomes. The inside was just as quaint.

"Here you go, pup," Dwalin set Kili down before squatting down in front of him. "Now, change back."

Kili's eyes widened. 

"Look kid, I know you are a Werewolf, I'm a shifter too. I can smell you. Now change, there's no need to be afraid."

Not knowing what else to do, Kili changed back, awkwardly covering himself with his hands.

"Here lad," Dwalin tossed Kili a blanket and he quickly covered his nudity. "Now, you don't have a pack, do you?"

Kili shook his head.

"No worries, kid, I'll look after you now." 

_Well, this was interesting._


End file.
